after 37 pounds lost...

i knew i could do it...half way there.

good advice.

i need to pay more attention
i need to learn to dodge bullets
i need to figure out how to say no
i need to stop getting myself into these messes
i need to stop caring about why
we all have our reasons

AR

things often don't look so bad
until you get a closer view,
until you've been around long enough to start to notice details
a room in paradise
with a view overlooking hell...
i walk fast
and become invisible

never sure which way is up
i went to the top
looking for that place i see in my dreams
the sign was there (lillie hitchcock coit)
but it wasn't quite
i stood dizzy above the clouds
i rode the bus down with the pink lady
i forgot that i look okay with a tan

finally found the copy of nine stories i have been searching for
bought it in the store where the beat poets used to hang
so much dancing on these streets
i read and write in snapshots lately

tomorrow i will go to the ocean
to the beach where the rocks of love came from
mysteries to unfold
there is this space full of the unknown
i will follow...

MG

Matthew Good on homelessness in the vancouver downtown core....and the way it is handled by the rich and priviledged.......

Out of the alleys
Our needle strewn fields
Into the sunlight that the brochures reveal
Like snake come for rabbits and rabbits for meals
Where the oar and axe flies

Well this is our story (stick to it)
But it ain’t the truth
Because the truth’s just for liars
That need an excuse
Around here love’s a gangster
And charity’s the proof
Where God deals on Sunday’s
Under a rain burning roof
It’s five blocks a universe
And aliens for each
Like invisible ghettos of privilege and grief
And pinned up between them the carrion fly
Living off skeletons of recycled lives

This is the place you find out
Well this is the way you find out

We all live downtown
Pay two even, no parking
Live with a clown
Step over ourselves

We all live downtown
Pay in blood, no parking
Sleep on the ground
Step over ourselves

We all live downtown
We all die downtown
Step over ourselves

Well this is our story (stick to it)
But it ain’t the truth
Because the truth’s just for liars
That need an excuse
For a king crown a banker
The queen crown a noose
Like heirs to a graveyard where the dirt’s always loose
It’s five blocks a universe
And aliens for each
Like invisible ghettos of privilege and grief
And pinned up between them the carrion fly
Picking off skeletons under a big northern sky

This is the place you find out
Well this is the way you find out

We all live downtown
We all die downtown
Step over ourselves

Dubai June 2009.

scent of jasmine
it gets cold in the desert at night

i think of you often
as the fierce wind dances in the sun

there is so much i should say
but you already know
and i'm the kind of tired that comes from being outside

we talked today about possession, cannibalism, power
there is no present without the shadow of memory

raspberries
and scarves in june
salt from oceans far away
i tried to be perfect
full moon birthday (you can see it in my eyes)
and a solstice sunset
mysteries and the value of questions
you say i'm a dreamer...
the force of wishes can nearly knock me off my feet

i walk
i sit
i listen
i watch
i take

Family :)

Sidetracked-

I haven't written in a long time, and i truly believe that's a reflection of my personality. Sometimes, when things get routine, i cannot fathom tending to them anymore. It happens a lot with my life, and it's something I strive to recognize and control. Control seems like a positive and a negative for me. My self-esteem is as variable as the days, and it's something i'm also working on changing.
Balance is hard to maintain but deep down, it's what I want and need.
Sometimes emotions get in the way of logic, but I believe that I'm self aware enough to understand it all and correct it. CAMH called me last week for a job interview. If i get this job i will have the experience I need to practice psychology, and that means that I might have to stay in Toronto for a few more years. This hurts and helps all at once.
Visiting Dubai last week was a strong reminder of the reason why I stay well removed from my father's life, and also a reminder of just how similar our minds can be, at times. I have a lot of love and support here at home, and it's best i focus on the positive, rather than the helplessness of Kyle's situation and mine.
I will make sure to keep this blog updated in the future, as it has proven quite a valuable asset to my reflections. I also think a political rant about the current state of affairs in Iran is overdue. My best friend is from there, and i owe it to her to play devil's advocate to the current media reports. It's the least I can do.